I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
