My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
