Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
