I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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