If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
