listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
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but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?