Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere