tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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