I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
