I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
