Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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