You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
