i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
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i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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