If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Randomize
