There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
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I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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