I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?