Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills