my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.