either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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