the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
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This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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