I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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