He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
