I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
