i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
