I murdered the dance floor call the cops
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
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What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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