I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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