This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
