Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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