I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
