I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
