Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize