if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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