Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
