Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
