Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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