When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
