i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im holly from the hills drunk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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