I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
