I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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