theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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