I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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