Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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