Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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