based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.