There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh