I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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