Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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