do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
