I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
