He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
