You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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