maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
