the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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