my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*